赵本山：往哪上啊你!快上菜去。
小沈阳：我上《星光大道》呗。
赵本山：上啥大道?你上炕都费劲。
小沈阳：毕老师好不容易来一回，让我展示一下，我也会唱。
赵本山：哪有时间听。知道吗?这都艺术圈的事，你一个服务员，唱啥唱啊?
小沈阳：你让我唱一个呗。
赵本山：不让你唱。
小沈阳：不让我唱，我就不给你上菜。
赵本山：你不给我上菜，我找你老板去。
赵本山：你找我老板，我把你交代我的事说出来。
赵本山：你要说......他指定比唱的好。
毕福剑：你还是说，还是自报家门。
小沈阳：其实，毕老师，我的命运(敏感词语)跟她是一样的，我也有一个姓毕的姥爷。
赵本山：你拉倒吧，用不着，别套了，你该唱唱你的。你闹心不闹心!
毕福剑：好了，不打断，不打断。小伙子，你会点什么呢?
小沈阳：我会模仿秀。
毕福剑：模仿谁?
小沈阳：模仿刘欢老师。
毕福剑：刘欢老师那一出?
小沈阳：《我和你》。
Shenyang Do you call that remarkable? If she can go there, so can I.
Uncle Zhao Where to?
Shenyang To the Starlight Broadway.
Uncle Zhao Creep way back to you' stinkin' brick bed!
Shenyang Since Mr. Bi's here, please give me a chance to try. I can sing, too.
Uncle Zhao Who's got the time to listen? Whut's more, whut do you know about matters of art? A waiter's a waiter, after all.
Shenyang Let me sing.
Uncle Zhao Nope.
Shenyang If you don't let me sing, I won't serve you the meal.
Uncle Zhao If you don't serve me the meal, I'll get you' boss here.
Shenyang If you get my boss here, I'll speak to him about what's up your sleeves.
Uncle Zhao If you speak... I know you speak better than you sing.
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) Well, say something about yourself first.
Shenyang I share a similar fate with her, with a grandpa by the same family name of Bi.
Uncle Zhao Whut's wrong with you, tryin' to curry favor like this? Sing your stupid song, or go an' suck you' mom.
CCTV Man Please don't interrupt him. What're you good at, young man?
Shenyang I can do a mock show.
CCTV Man Whom can you mock?
Shenyang Mr. Liu Huan.
CCTV Man Which song of his?
Shenyang "You and Me."
赵本山：你自个儿唱，这刚下飞机，累这样，跟你唱?
毕福剑：不是他和我唱。
赵本山：搁我更不唱了。
毕福剑：老哥，跟你解释一下，这是一首歌的名儿，叫"我和你"。
小沈阳：我给毕老师唱一个。嗯哼哼哼。
"我和你，心连心，
同住地球......"。
哎呀妈呀，我把唱词给忘了好像。
赵本山：拉倒吧，你唱跑偏了，你这裤子就穿跑偏了，你就是个跑偏的人。
小沈阳：激动啦。
赵本山：你上菜去吧。
小沈阳：我再重唱一个吧。毕老师，我再重唱一个行吗?
赵本山：唱啥?
小沈阳：我唱个刀郎的吧。
赵本山：拉倒吧，你唱个屎壳郎的吧。
毕福剑：老哥，"刀郎"不是一个昆虫的名字，它是一个人名儿，叫刀郎。歌手的名字。
小沈阳：刀郎的声音是沧桑的感觉。
"2002年的第一场雪，
比以往时候来得更晚些......"
毕福剑：你再来一个。你还会唱谁的?
小沈阳：我还会唱《星光大道》走出的那个阿宝。
毕福剑：阿宝的嗓门可高。
小沈阳：接下来，我给毕老师唱一个陕北民歌，"山丹丹开花红艳艳"。
"山丹丹的那个开花哟，
红咯艳艳咯鲜。
毛主席呀领导咱们打江山，
毛主席呀领导咱......"
起高了!
Uncle Zhao Do it alone, won't you? Mr. Bi's tired from his trip. How can he sing with you!
CCTV Man No, not me.
Uncle Zhao Me, then? No way.
CCTV Man "You and Me," you see, is a song's name.
Shenyang Now I'll try. Mm-hum-hum... (Starts to sing)
"You and me, from one world,
We are family... "
Did I lose my words? What a shame!
Uncle Zhao You've lost you' tune. Say, whut mock show is this? It's more like a monkey show. Look at that empty trouser.
Shenyang Just too excited.
Uncle Zhao Go get the food.
Shenyang Can I try another song? Oh please, Mr. Bi.
Uncle Zhao Which one?
Shenyang The song by Daolang, a Chinese pop singer as counter-cultural as the British Beatles.
Uncle Zhao Pooh, a dung beetle song it's gonna be.
CCTV Man Beatles is the name of a rock group, not that of an insect.
Shenyang Daolang's voice is bleak and desolate. (Starts to sing)
"The first snow of 2002
falls somewhat later than usual... "
CCTV Man Encore! Any other song at your beck and call?
Shenyang I can also mock A Bao, a singer made popular through your program.
CCTV Man The guy with a high-pitched voice.
Shenyang Next, I'll sing a Northern Shaanxi folksong, "Wild Morningstar Lilies." (Starts to sing)
"Wild Morningstar lilies bloom
like a passionate prairie fire;
Mao Zedong leads us in our fight
to liberate all suffering people.
Mao Zedong leads us in our fight... "
I started too high.
毕福剑： 冲着点。
小沈阳： "......打江山!"
毕福剑：你，叫什么名字?
小沈阳：我的中文名字叫小沈阳。
毕福剑：还有外国名字?
小沈阳： Xiao Shenyang。
毕福剑：叫什么?
赵本山：没听明白吗?英文名字叫"小损样"。
毕福剑：小伙子，你是哪儿人?
小沈阳：莲花乡的。
毕福剑：是莲花乡的?
小沈阳： 对呀。
毕福剑： 老哥，你儿子让我找的小沈阳，就是他。
小沈阳：是我吗?
毕福剑：你明天跟我一起去趟北京，上《星光大道》，好吗?
小沈阳：谢谢毕老师。哎呀妈呀，太激动啦。
赵本山：他姥爷，这孩子你看你......这都实在亲戚。另外，这些东西我都给你炖了。你不给我面子，也得给她姥爷面子。再不行让他姥爷亲自跟你说说?
毕福剑：别别。我想知道她的......她有名儿吗?
赵本山：不是有名儿没名儿。我不是推荐她，她挺有名气的。你上搜狐网上，你看看新闻，点击率老高了，哇哇的，就(是)那个丫蛋。
毕福剑：哦，搜狐网上说的丫蛋就是她?
赵本山：就是她嘛。
CCTV Man Keep it up. Go!
Shenyang "...to liberate all suffering people!"
CCTV Man Bravo! So what's your name?
Shenyang My Chinese stage name's Xiao Shenyang, combining my own surname "Shen" with part of my wife's personal name.
CCTV Man Also got a foreign name?
Shenyang Ciao Shenyang.
Uncle Zhao See? His English name's Shorth Sorryankee.
CCTV Man Where're you from?
Shenyang Lotus Township.
CCTV Man Oh, yes?
Shenyang Yes.
CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) He's the one your son referred me here to.
Shenyang Is that me?
CCTV Man Please go to Beijing with me tomorrow for a new section of the Starlight Broadway, would you?
Shenyang Thank you so much, Mr. Bi. I... I just can't believe it!
Uncle Zhao My dear in-law, I'm a bit clumsy with words but my dishes are still bein' cooked there for you. It's OK if you think nothin' of me, but do please show s'me mercy on the girl's poor dead grandpa. Or shall I ask him to talk to you face to face?
CCTV Man Oh, no. Tell me if she's famous enough in these parts?
Uncle Zhao That ain't abut it. No matter whut, I ain't praisin' her for nothin'. As a matter of fact, she's famous far an' wide. You can surf the Sohu for news abut her - the click rate is just fuckin' high. The girl with the cyber name "Yadar" is her.
CCTV Man So she's the Yadar netizens're talking so much about?
Uncle Zhao Sure.
毕福剑：太好了。你马上上菜，今天这顿饭我包了，我请客。丫蛋，你明天跟着大哥一起去北京，上《星光大道》。你们搞一个组合，就叫"不差钱"。
毛毛： 我也能去了?
毕福剑：可以啊。
毛毛： 谢谢姥爷。
小沈阳：谢谢姥爷。
赵本山：我跟你说，毕老师，你们《星光大道》不是百姓舞台吗?谁都可以参与嘛。他们都要了，把我也接收得了呗。
毕福剑：搜狐网上也有您的名字?
赵本山：你点一下试试呗。另外，我有个重要秘密没跟您透露。
毕福剑：什么秘密?
赵本山：其实我姥爷也姓毕。
(演员谢幕)
CCTV Man Fantastic! (To Shenyang) Serve the meal quick. It's going to be my treat today - I'll pay the bill. And Yadar, you go off to Beijing tomorrow along with Shenyang, and join the rest of us there at Starlight Broadway. The two of you shall team up and prepare a comic piece with the title "Got the Money Anyway."
Yadar Can I really go?
CCTV Man Of course.
Yadar Thank you, grandpa.
Shenyang Thank you, grandpa.
Uncle Zhao Dear in-law, I know the Starlight Broadway's a stage for common people to play on. If you can take the two youngsters with you, why can't you take me too?
CCTV Man Are you famous, too, on the internet?
Uncle Zhao You can click an' see. An' there's a little secret I haven't told you yet.
CCTV Man What's it?
Uncle Zhao My maternal grandpa, too, was surnamed Bi.
(The entire cast exeunt after courteously bowing to the audience.)
