毕福剑：对对，大连人。
赵本山：你住哪儿?
毕福间 我住大连老鳖湾。
赵本山：哎呀妈呀，有亲戚，孩子她姥爷也在老鳖湾，也姓毕。
毕福剑：你姥爷叫毕什么?
毛毛： 毕门庭。
毕福剑：你姥爷打麻将肯定是高手。
赵福剑：咋的?
毕福剑：闭门听嘛。
赵本山：正好你叫闭门炮。
CCTV Man Why here?
Uncle Zhao Here we've got the best restaurant in Tieling. Do c'me this way please.
CCTV Man But I've had my meal on the plane.
Uncle Zhao You're my guest, so please follow my arrangements.
Shenyang A picture of the two of us, please.
CCTV Man (to Shenyang) You're... a male waiter?
Shenyang Yup.
CCTV Man You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.
Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came. How funny he is dressin' up like this? Sit down here. Did you enjoy your trip?
CCTV Man Yes, quite.
Uncle Zhao We mus' be fellow townsmen.
CCTV Man Are we?
Uncle Zhao Ain`t you from Dalian?
CCTV Man Sure.
Uncle Zhao Which part?
CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.
Uncle Zhao Where her mummy's daddy used to live, too. So we're even relatives.
CCTV Man (to Yadar) What`s his name?
Yadar Bi Menting.
CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.
Uncle Zhao Why?
CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.
Uncle Zhao That matches you' nickname "Bi Mengpao," as you're a mahjong man you'self.
毕福剑：我叫毕福剑。
赵本山：这也是的，没准儿都......实在......哎呀，这一笑，你看看，多像你姥爷临走那张照片。
毛毛： 爷爷，你快看，不笑更像。
毕福剑：我今儿个躲不开了。
赵本山：孩子这一辈子，跟爷爷不行，就跟姥爷亲。姥爷临走把她哭完了。快认姥爷。
毛毛： 姥爷好。
毕福剑：别别别，起起......。大过年的，你要来这个，我得给你压岁钱了。
赵本山：不用，不用。哎呀，这家伙，来......
小沈阳：毕老师，你给我照个相呗。
赵本山：这没吃饭呢，你先揣起来。点菜，快点。
小沈阳：照完再点呗。
赵本山：点完再照。
小沈阳：要跑了呢?
赵本山：。谁跑啊?毕老师都低调来的，你别跟人这样说。她姥爷，这都......实在亲戚，你就点吧。
毕福剑： 不不不，咱随便吃点饭就可以了。您来，您来。
赵本山： 现在咱家都富了，农民生活跟过去不一样了。你就铆劲儿吃，你说吃能吃多少钱哪。我点。
毕福剑：随便来。
赵本山：澳洲鲍鱼四只。
小沈阳：对不起，没有。
毕福剑：算了，别点那么贵的。你往下来。
赵本山：四斤的龙虾。
小沈阳：对不起，没那么大的。
CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.
Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an... well, I'm really... (To Yadar) Look, he smiles like the last picture of you' dead grandpa.
Yadar Look, even more like it when he doesn't.
CCTV Man So I'm hopeless either way.
Uncle Zhao The girl's much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me. Sort of cried her heart out when he died. Say hello to you' new grandpa.
Yadar (kneeling down / with a kowtow) How do you do, grandpa.
CCTV Man Don't, please. It`s Spring Festvial now, and I should've given you some gift money.
Uncle Zhao Don't bother with that, sir. You're indeed...
Shenyang We haven`t had our picture taken, sir.
Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) We haven't ordered our dishes yet. Put this damn' thing away. We'll see whut to eat first. C'me.
Shenyang Just one picture, please.
Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.
Shenyang What if he runs away after the meal?
Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr. Bi's a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin' to give us folks a chance. Don't you say a thing like that. (To CCTV Man) I'm whut they call a "country pumpkin," my dear in-law, not really knowin' how to treat a guest. So you please order the dishes.
CCTV Man Don't be too polite. You do it.
Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before. Eat as much as you want, it ain't gonna be a big deal anyway. Please give me the menu.
CCTV Man Don't be extravagant, buddy.
Uncle Zhao Australian abalones, four.
Shenyang Sorry, they're out of stock.
CCTV Man Too expensive anyway. Let's move on down.
Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.
Shenyang Sorry, nothing that big.
赵本山：有多大的?
小沈阳：有一斤多的。
赵本山：一斤多的......有吗?
赵本山：有......还是没有啊?
赵本山：这个......我跟你说，有没有，这是你开的店呢，你还不明白?这不差钱。
小沈阳：哦......那没有。
毕福剑：下边我看看，鱼翅就更别点了。
赵本山： 鱼翅有也别吃了，我吃鱼翅有一回就卡住了，后来用馒头噎，用醋泡，都不好使，到医院用镊子拿出来的。不吃那玩意儿。
毕福剑： 他也没有。
赵本山： 你这酒店怎么要啥啥没有呢?干什么玩意儿吃的?这毕老师容易来一趟?把你老板找来
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：你就记住一个没有了，是不?老板。
小沈阳：啊，老板哪?老板出去了。
赵本山：上哪儿去了?
小沈阳：不知道。
赵本山：啥玩意儿呀你?你说吃啥呀?
毕福剑：来点儿家常便饭。民间的。
赵本山：民间的是吧?来民间的吧，孩子，来个小野鸡炖蘑菇。
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：这个可以有。
小沈阳：这个......真没有。
Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have?
Shenyang Half a kilo each.
Uncle Zhao Somethin' you really have?
Shenyang Yes we do... or no?
Uncle Zhao C'me on, boy, it's you take care of things here. Don't you know whut you've got an' whut not? I'll ne'er shortchange you.
Shenyang So no, we haven't got lobsters.
CCTV Man Let me have a look. Even less need for ordering shark's fin.
Uncle Zhao I won't. Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my t'roat. I tried to remove it by swallowin' lumps of rice an' softenin' it with vinegar. It didn't work, though. I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with s'me tweezers. So, sharp stuff jus' won't do.
CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.
Uncle Zhao This restaurant's got nothin' to serve. You've wasted you' chance to make customers happy. A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr. Bi. Where's you' boss? Get him here.
Shenyang No boss, sir.
Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well?
Shenyang Well... the boss is out.
Uncle Zhao Where's he?
Shenyang No idea.
Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then?
CCTV Man Just something homely.
Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then. A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.
Shenyang I'm sorry, sir.
Uncle Zhao That's whut you can have.
Shenyang Something we really don't have.
赵本山：我给你带来了啊，咱有。来，丫蛋，把这拿来。哎呀，多亏带来了。
毕福剑：老哥......
赵本山：我是给你往北京带的，现在你拿不走了，赶紧得在这儿吃了。
毕福剑 野山鸡不能吃。
赵本山：这是家养的。都是野蘑菇。把这个炖了，高压锅啊，时间长点，来。好了，这儿有一个菜了。来，笨蛋。
小沈阳：你说谁笨蛋?!
赵本山：不是，我说再点个笨鸡蛋。
小沈阳：没有。
赵本山：我有。这样......
毕福剑：老哥......
赵本山：这鸡蛋和大葱一炒。
毕福剑：你怎么下一趟饭店，材料都自己备?
赵本山：不是，他没有啊，问题是。给他钱都没处找去。几个菜了?俩了，这样吧，给你们点机会。毕老师来一回，你们饭店表示不?
小沈阳： 赠送一个呗。哎呀妈呀，大爷你咋这么抠呢?你说你一个没点，完了我们还得搭一个，啊?
赵本山：我说小伙子，咱们不是一个没点。我点完之后，鲍鱼、龙虾你都没有。
小沈阳：有没有，你心里还没数吗?
赵本山：我有啥数，你不是说没有吗?
小沈阳： 别说话了。一说万一要有，咋整啊?
赵本山： 你到底有没有?这差钱还是咋的?
Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought. Get it here, Yadar. Lucky we didn't c'me with empty hands.
CCTV Man No, buddy...
Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin'. As you can't, we might as well finish it up here an' now.
CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.
Uncle Zhao This one's grown at home. Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till they're th'roughly done. So far we've got one dish ready. C'me here, dumb bell.
Shenyang What did you say?
Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.
Shenyang We don't have any, sir!
Uncle Zhao I do. All right...
CCTV Man Buddy...
Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.
CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant?
Uncle Zhao They've got no stuff like this here. Not even if you're willin' to pay. See, we've got two dishes in all an' that's fine! (To Shenyang) Now I'm givin' you a chance to show you're truly hospitable, with Mr. Bi here.
Shenyang We'll serve one dish for free. You're too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!
Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy. But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?
Shenyang Is it up to me to say yes?
Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!
Shenyang Cut it out, sir. If I say yes, who knows what'll happen next?
Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I ain't get the money.
小沈阳：我知道大爷不差钱。我的意思，毕老师好容易来一回，咱吃喝不能在乎钱，大爷。你看我今年岁数小，但是我总结了，人这一生其实可短暂了，有时候一想，跟睡觉是一样一样的。眼睛一闭，一睁，一天过去了;眼睛一闭，不睁，这辈子就过去了。
毕福剑：小伙子，精辟。
赵本山：精辟啥，他是屁精。
小沈阳：大爷，我没别的意思。
赵本山：你啥意思?
小沈阳：我的意思，人不能把钱看得太重了。钱乃身外之物。人生最痛苦的事情，你知道是什么?
赵本山：嗯?
小沈阳：人死了，钱没花了。
赵本山：人这一生最最痛苦的事，你知道是什么吗?
小沈阳：啥呀?
赵本山：是人活着呢，钱没了。不差钱，放心吧，啊。把菜好好做上。
小沈阳：哎，好嘞。
赵本山：这孩子。
小沈阳：这一天......这也太抠了。
赵本山：他姥爷，这菜呢，得做一会儿。你看看丫蛋来了，这孩子从小就是一身的艺术细菌哪。
毕福剑：艺......艺术细胞。
赵本山：给看看，能不能上你的大道。
毕福剑：她......
赵本山：才艺，那是了不得。
毕福剑：老哥，我弄明白了，你今天截我到这儿来，就是为了让您孙女上我们《星光大道》。
赵本山：可不是嘛，它有这么个关系。
